01.“Lose the battle win the war” - Jarryd Casey
Something that will be engraved in my brain for the rest of my time on this earth. Lose the battle, win the war. A message that my mother wrote on my whiteboard above my desk. A place where I spent countless hours, affidavits, statements, countless court documents, reliving memories through photos and videos. The hours of tears and the overwhelming feelings of helplessness. But this is where I was at, you either lay it down and give up.. or you keep fucking fighting.
Taking it back to a time where life seemed so perfect. A young first time father to a beautiful little girl. A bond that nothing could ever break, but even I had my doubts.
My mental health battle started long before this point.
I have always found myself to be a very stubborn, but driven man. If I want something, I will get it. If I want to do something then that’s what I’m going to do, for better or worse. Learning lessons the hard way mostly. But I would give and do absolutely anything for the ones that I loved. Sometimes seeming like the more you give, the more that it is expected, to a point where you have sacrificed and given so much of yourself away that you’re not exactly sure who you are any more. The biggest mistake is giving up and letting go of the things that make you, YOU.
It became a heavy burden, I was hardly playing music, rarely surfing, never seeing mates. I was drifting further and further away from the things that not only made me myself, but were my outlets that couldn’t really be substituted for anything else. It quickly became a go to work, go home lifestyle and my mental health was deteriorating just as quick. All the while trying to be the best father I could, be a loving partner and provide for my family. It was like if I wasn’t with my daughter I really couldn’t find joy in anything. It came to a point where I was so deep and so lost that I wasn’t sure I could find a way out, I was numb. It is a scary feeling.
The late night drives home from work were where it really got scary. The windy mountain roads and the temptation of just closing your eyes and letting go. But what kind of a man would my daughter remember me as. Letting her grow up without a fathers love was not an option for me and there was one night that it finally clicked for me. That I had to get myself out of this hole because nobody else is coming to save me. And so it started, I don’t know where it came from but every morning I would get in the truck I would put some random motivational speaker on YouTube and just let it play. Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Jocko Willink, Denzel Washington, Eric Thomas. Fuck it didnt matter who it was I was relating, and a lot of it made so much sense to me and the point I was at in my life. From there it was following motivation pages on instagram, just a little daily reminder every morning from some random person out there was impacting my life and inspiring me. I was back training, eating good, brought myself a project car and a harley, I was feeling good, feeling like I was finding myself through my passions again. I still remember all the hours working on the car, baby in one arm, wrench in the other and we would have the best time doing it. Before long I felt like I was on fire, despite the same few family issues, I was back on top, motivated, inspired, full of life, couldn’t get me down if you tried.
That is where I decided to start Bite Back GC. If something so little as a motivational post here and there, or a fucking YouTube video of a motivational speech could be enough to spark that fire inside of me then thats something I want to provide for other people out there that are in the same position as me. I was hooked on it, planning, designing, just wanting to get this started so I can start helping as many people as I can. But after long, life just seems to gets in the way.
After a few significant events and some time I found myself in a place I never thought I could possibly be in. Fighting for my rights as a father. Fighting day in day out trying to get my daughter back, and it was clear that this was a whole different ball park of mental health. To have the one thing you hold dearest in your life ripped away from you. Your whole heart and soul, your whole world just like that. An unbearable feeling of loss and emptiness. I remember seeing all the stories of fathers that were in the same position and thinking how the fuck could a father take his own life and leave his children behind… but it all made sense to me how it can happen.
“Take a fathers children from him and watch him crumble”
It all felt too familiar, no purpose, no joy, just numb. The constant pain of missing someone you love more than the world itself. It was unbearable. Speaking about it would send me to my knees. Shaking with anger at the thought of it all. I would sit for hours in tears just looking through photos, watching videos over and over just so I could hear my daughters voice.
I couldn’t think, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t go to work. I was falling to pieces. Coming home to a silent empty house, where once upon a time I could hear my daughter yelling “Daddy” from the window as soon as I pulled up, with a great big cuddle waiting at the door. The memories were vivid and the pain was real.
I wasn’t fighting for myself anymore, I was fighting for my daughter.
I remember the night I wrote a letter to my daughter, promising that I would keep fighting until things are right. Promising that I would never let her know a life without her father. It set me off, it felt like I was in a Liam Neeson movie trying to get my daughter back. It was a brutal year. The family court system is a ruthless and unforgiving process where anything goes as long as the father is getting minimal time with his children but spending the maximum amount of money. I remember the first hearing, ruling that I was to only see my daughter at a supervision centre, 2 hours twice a week. My heart felt like it had just been ripped out my chest. Along with all the false allegations came the family reports, drug and alcohol counselling, other court hearings, Hair follicle testing, thousands and thousands of dollars spent… I felt like a criminal trying to prove my innocence. This was the time where I would spend hours upon hours in the garage at my desk, trying to figure it all out, where the message “lose the battle, win the war” came from. And thats exactly what it was, it was war.
I fell into a mindset somewhere along the lines of ‘Lets fucking go then!’ Loss after Loss in the family courts had me fired up. They will try their very best to break you, and when they do they’ll be there watching and it will all be used as ammunition against you. I knew that, and I was not going to let that happen. It was a never ending cycle and for the better part of it you are left in the dark, waiting, hoping that things start turning around. And sure enough they did. In December just before Christmas I finally had my first win. No more supervised visits. I was spending Christmas this year with my daughter and my family. After spending her 2nd birthday, Fathers day and my own birthday in a supervision centre let me tell you it was a very sweet victory.
Only up from here right? Well that is yet to be decided, the road is still long with many hurdles along the way. But the main thing is, I’m still here, and my daughter still has her daddy.
If there’s one thing I have learnt over the past few years, being a father, battling mental health… Fucking back yourself. Sometimes you get so deep that you convince yourself that there is no way out. There is always a way out, and it starts with you. If you have to let things go for a period of time so that you can build yourself up again, then do that. And go again. And keep fucking going. If you're already in hell then why stop there? Keep fucking going. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to the people that love you. Trust yourself and trust the process, because trust me, you will be forever grateful that you were strong enough to get through it. You will carry that for the rest of your life, and you will carry it with you through the next obstacle life throws at you.
Put it this way. When you look in the mirror what do you see? do you see a house cat or a lion? Do you see a monkey or a fucking gorilla!
You’ve got this.
Jarryd,
Bite Back GC