04. “Its tough to talk” - Thomas McGowan
For those who don’t know me, my name is Thomas McGowan. I’ve had a challenge with mental health for a long time. Probably since I was 15-16. Looking back I had some periods in my life where I really struggled which I will touch on today. I’ve never really gone in depth about these times in my life. I never thought I would but I think as I have gotten older I’m willing to share these stories because I think it helps put them behind me.
My first bad period was when I was about 15-16 would go through stages where I would want to lay in bed for days at a time and would cry for no reason and also just hate the way I looked and felt! I went to high school at an all boys school and if I’m being honest looking back it was a great time that I took for granted. When I was going through a really bad day my coping mechanism was to make someone else’s day worse. If we are calling it for what it is I was a c*** to be around. Not all the time but enough of the time. At no stage I ever thought to tell anyone that I was struggling or ever thought that the person I was giving a hard time to was struggling. I was selfish and I didn’t really have anyone to pull me up. I would constantly put myself in this light where I was a bully or I had to be a certain way because I didn’t want anyone to think of me the way I thought of myself.
My best friends were everything to me, being an only child my best mates were like my brothers. We did everything together, except tell each other when we were struggling or going through a shit time. My teenage years were such a great time looking back that I took for granted but they are marked with dark periods that I couldn’t explain or didn’t want to talk about.
My second time it was 2013 and I remember specifically one day I woke up and it felt like the world was just crumbling around me. It was the start of the season for footy I was playing TAC cup and I had every reason in the world to be happy. I remember being at training which was usually such a release for me. I had some personal and family issues arise around this time and didn’t know how to cope. I didn’t want anyone to know. I remember running around training just not wanting to be there but also not wanting to be anywhere. I was angry and sad and if I could I would have just dug a big hole in the ground and sat there where no one could see me. I wanted to tell people so badly how much I was hating myself. I couldn’t though, my captain came up to me and asked if I was okay because I didn’t look okay. I had tears welling up in my eyes as I said “yeah course mate I’m sweet”. I went home that night and contemplated taking my own life. Looking back I don’t know if I was ever really a threat to do it. Considering my biggest fear is dying I don’t know how I possibly would have gone through with it. I never really spoke about it and the next 24 months were an emotional roller coaster where I had a tear in my hip and back I didn’t tell anyone about and struggled to walk. I thought I was weak and others would say that too. You never stand a chance when you have the lowest opinion of yourself.
From my late teens into my early twenties my lifestyle was erratic and the last person I cared about was myself. I would have these angry outbursts and then get really low and find it hard to get happy again. I went through situations that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. The dark days became darker and I was really good hiding the fact that I was struggling. I had 2 really bad experiences that really stand out for me personally.
In 2017 everything crumbled at once I was constantly arguing with my mum and dad and our relationship was not in a good way and it was my fault. I was projecting a lot of my issues on the people around me which was so unfair and I would go to footy every week and put a smile on my face and take the piss out of everyone because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on with me. I was miserable at work and I was miserable in my everyday life. I would get home and hate everything about myself and not know why. One day I sat there, it was the night before football and the last thing I wanted to do was to play the next day. People were asking me if everything was okay but I didn’t want to talk. I thought I would be looked at as weak. I was a wanker majority of the time, I would always project myself as the arrogant guy who didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought but that wasn’t true. I just didn’t want anyone close to me, I sometimes still act like that. I feel like it’s a barrier and that I don’t let people get close to me.
I started getting these panic attacks and suffering from anxiety really bad. I would lay in bed not wanting to get out, I would feel like the world is crumbling around me and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I would feel physically sick and weak and if I was out with friends I would leave without saying a thing. Everyday I was constantly calling my mum and dad freaking out not knowing what to do. I never wanted anyone to know how bad it was because I didn’t want to be looked at like I felt; weak.
I found myself in possession of these sleeping pills and I was staring at them crying, I had about 20 of them in my hand and all these dark thoughts running through my mind and in my head I knew I didn’t want to take them. In my head I kept envisioning my mums face crying at my funeral and even though I was in my darkest place I knew that I needed help. I got that help and even though I still have episodes one thing my doctor told me was about not letting my cup overflow. I would let my emotions just overfill and I just couldn’t ever stop for a second pour my cup out and press restart. Pouring out my cup and talking and how I’m going was the start of understanding how important taking care of my mental health was.
As I said earlier my friends mean the absolute world to me I am very fortunate to have some great friends. I had Levi and Nick who I had been best mates with since I was 13. Murat and Dale who I had been mates with since I was 10. Then I had Cameron who I had been best friends with from about 12 months old. We did everything together he was legitimately like the brother I never had. We used to argue like brothers do and then laugh and give each a hug and laugh. We had our own issues but Cam was my boy and when I would have mental health episodes Cam would always put his arm around me and say “what would I do without you”.
November 9th 2020 I went to the gym and saw Cam and had such a fun hour just talking shit and having a laugh. We had planned to work out the on the Friday together. Later that night he called me and we were just talking shit. I told Cam I loved him which was completely normal convo with me and my mates to have. We exchanged a few texts and I ended the conversation with telling him to be the best he can be everyday and told him I loved him. The next day Cameron was no longer with us. Broken, angry and upset doesn’t describe what I felt, my best friend was gone. He wasn’t coming back I couldn’t put my arm around him and ask him “what would I do without you” because now I had to go on without him. I watched his family going through the loss of a brother and son, a nephew and grandson. Everyday for the first 6 months was like I was walking around with a 30kg backpack on me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I was constantly crying.
I missed my best mate. One thing Cameron and I spoke about is how at school we were bullies and we wanted to rectify that because who the hell were we to make other people’s lives hell. I’ve had chances to apologise to people over the last 2-3 years for my past behaviour and I’ve been very lucky for my apologies to be met with open arms. Suddenly the weight I was walking around with become less and less and I could talk about Cameron and smile and laugh. It became more about remembering him and honouring him than mourning him.
After speaking to my best mate Levi we decided to start a Mens mental health fundraiser called tough2talk.
I realise men see talking as a sigh of weakness and find it tough to talk but I want to make a change to that. I want it to be looked at as a sign of toughness to talk about how we are feeling. I want to make sure I see everyone I saw today, tomorrow. I don’t want anyone to feel the feeling of not being heard or feeling like they have no outlet or someone to talk to. As for my own journey I will have my bad days but I try and realise that everyone has bad days. I am having more good days than bad days and finding peace in not being okay some days. As for Cameron I miss him everyday. He was the toughest bloke I knew and I will continue to try and keep his memory alive through tough2talk.
All in all, don’t let ya cup overflow! Talk to those around ya and just know it’s tough to talk
Much love and God bless!
Tom
In Loving Memory
Cameron Foti