05. “Be kind, be bold and be brave.” - RJ
My name is RJ, and my story starts way back.
Growing up without my dad consistently in my childhood as well as being raised by a single mom can cause a young boy to grow up a different way. For me, it was becoming a “Late-Bloomer”. I didn’t know what is like to be a true stoic man until I was in my twenties.
For many boys growing up without a dad, there are things that aren’t taught that only fathers can teach. Now, before I continue let me first say that my dad wasn’t a deadbeat dad or just didn’t want to bother to see his children. It’s nothing like that. I still got a chance to see him every summer for a few weeks since he did live in another city and I don’t blame him or my mother for that matter. I understand some relationships just don’t work out and our family was one of them. But, I digress.
Growing up I wasn’t taught to be bold, I had to hold my own and stand my ground. Hence why I hated going to school. Not having many friends. Sitting alone during lunch. Constantly picked on daily. Never standing up for myself. I felt like I didn’t have a purpose. But, despite all that, I stayed smiling and was always sincere. I was very observant growing and one thing I observed in my mother was her sincerity and kindness to others. She truly has a servant's heart.
We all have our rebellious stage at some point in our life. Partying, drugs, alcohol, mischievous behaviour, etc. Now my rebellious stage was a little different. I never snuck out to go to parties, and never did drugs, heck I took my first sip of alcohol when I was 21. But, the vice that I turned to was Graffiti (Vandalism). It was an outlet for me when I heard arguing in the house or when it was so bad that I wished I could change schools and start over. I grew up drawing and having a creative side, and graffiti just helped me expand my creative mindset. Coupled with my affinity for adrenaline-seeking adventures, it was perfect. Sneaking out of the house, stealing spray paint since I was only 16, out in the night with only the moon to shine on you. It was truly peaceful and thrilling all together.
Now, I wish I could say I stopped because yes I knew it was illegal, and constantly being chased by cops had some sort of realisation to what I was doing was wrong. But, no. My best friend at the time was as heavy into graffiti as I was. One weekend he was visiting his family in New Orleans and to make a long story short, I was reading about him in a news article that weekend about how he had been killed for doing graffiti. Without going into too much detail, a chase ensued and well, he just wasn’t the type to go down without a fight. Loosing a best friend at the age was devastating. I was sad, angry, upset, and spent many nights crying in my bed over the loss of a close friend. There was one night that I found myself trying to cope with this loss that I thought “If I’m feeling this way, I can only imagine how his mother his feeling”.
After losing my best friend I realised I had to stop. Visiting my best friend's mom broke me and I couldn’t have my mom go through that. From there I didn’t know what to do. My outlet was also gone. I turned 18, with no job, no focus, no aspirations, and no goals. Now I was 20 and guess what, nothing changed. And at that point, my mom had re-married and sold the house we were leaving in. The house was empty and the only thing in it was my mattress in my room where I was sleeping alone. I had less than a week to leave the house. Needless to say, I spent a few nights in my car not having a place to stay.
One night, I was at church playing; since I played piano growing up I was always involved in the worship ministry, I was telling a friend of mine about the situation I was in. The Music Director at the time overheard my situation and invite me to move in with him. I tell you, I was amazed by what God placed in front of me.
Moving in with him was life-changing. It was the first time I had someone to be accountable to, since I didn’t want to just mooch off him, and it was the first time I had to start making actual decisions in my life. He was like a big brother to me who told me things straight up and was blunt. Which was something I needed in my life. He helped me come out of my shell, the kid that was quiet and timid was slowly turning into someone who was bold and confident with themselves.
I fell in love with the gym not so long after that, and my pathway to self-love through fitness really started this trickle effect. All the way to finding my Wife and Ultimately becoming a father. My father not being around taught me a few things. It taught me the value of always being there for my son, it taught me to listen to my son, how my guidance towards him will lead to what kind of man he will be. I tell my son daily to be kind, be bold, and be brave. A foundation that I learned the hard way so I can teach him the easy way. I know in order to be a good husband and father, I have to have my mental health healthy. If I’m going to teach my son to be a bold, strong, stoic man, I have to be that first. And, that comes with being true to oneself and being genuine. Knowing it’s ok to have an emotional support system. Not having one growing I only turned out lonely and afraid. Knowing it’s ok to cry, but also knowing that If my wife and son are crying I have to hold in my tears and be a stronghold for them. They need someone to stand on and as a Man, I will always be that person they stand on for support. It’s our burden but one we carry proudly. I’ll be the last to cry, but the first one to wipe their tears.
It’s important for us Men to be in support of one another. Especially in these times, where being a Bold man can be frowned upon. Find a friend, men's group, or anything where you’re around positive-thinking men that can hold you accountable. Trust me it’s life-changing.
Thanks, RJ.